Scripts: Elephants to Catch Eels:
Series 2:
'Lizabeth's return read thru draft script Part 3
SCENE 10 - OCEAN
F/X: OCEAN ATMOPS
'LIZABETH
The rate this nor-westerly is blowing we'll be in France in no time. This is quite something Tamsyn, me and you out here on the seas . I often dreamt that one day you and me would sail this stretch of ocean together.
TAMSYN
And here we are Mother. Just like a proper family again.
JAGO (WHINING)
Are we there yet?
'LIZABETH
Jago, we're five seconds nearer to France since the last time you asked.
JAGO
Why's it taking so long!
'LIZABETH
I'd never have let you come with us if I'd have known you were going to carry on like this. I don't want you saying 'are we there yet?' again for the rest of the crossing.
JAGO
Alright
(BEAT)
So how long till we get there?
TAMSYN/'LIZABETH
JAGO!
TAMSYN
Still it's nice to be making the journey as a family.
JAGO
Are there any sweets left?
BOTH
No!
'LIZABETH (ASIDE)
Don't let him get to you Tasmyn. Remember that the only reason we're here is because this run is your chance to hit the jackpot. Your way out of Drumlin Bay.
JAGO
Well can I at least put my music on?
'LIZABETH
Play your game of skittles we packed.
JAGO
That's boring!
(BEAT)
So are we are almost there yet?
'LIZABETH
No!
JAGO
It's just...I really need to...you know...go.
TAMSYN
Oh for pity sake Father, didn't you go before we set out?
JAGO
I was planning on, but in all the excitement I forgot. Can't we pull over somewhere?
TAMSYN
We're in the middle of an ocean!
JAGO
So is that a yes or a no?
'LIZABETH
Jago you'll be able to go to when we get there.
JAGO
I'm not sure I can wait that long.
TAMSYN
The best thing in circumstances like these Father is to do something that takes your mind off the fact you need to go. Like playing a game, or singing a song, or...
JAGO (PURE RELIEF)
Aghhhhhhh!
TAMSYN
...or wetting yourself.
JAGO
Yeah I usually find that last one works best. See, that's totally taken my mind off wanting to urinate.
SCENE 12 - FRENCH FIELD
F/X: SHOVELS DIGGING EARTH (UNDER)
JAGO (STRAINING WITH ALL HIS MIGHT)
This is harder then I could ever have imagined.
F/X: CORK POPS
JAGO
Got it! I don't know why they make the (CORKS) on these flagons of cider so difficult to prize off.
(JAGO GULPS A DRINK DOWN)
So how you two getting on with the digging?
F/X: CLINK AS SHOVELS HITS SOMETHING HEAVY
TAMSYN
This has to be the jewels! Lets have a closer look.
F/X: LID BEING PRIZED OPENED
'LIZABETH
These are the real deal alright! Look at the way they sparkle! Be careful with 'em.
TAMSYN
I've never seen anything sparkle so! It's amazing and so completely visual, these would have to be the most visually impressive jewels I've ever laid eyes on.
'LIZABETH
Can you imagine what it'd be like for someone to be here with us, but who for some reason or other couldn't actually see the jewels before us and be dazzled by how visually splendid they are!
TAMSYN
We've done it mother, we've got the jewels, you and me, mother and daughter, we've done it, together.
'LIZABETH
Just the two of us. Come here and give your old Mum a hug.
JAGO
That's right, just the three of us. We've done it. And we should all celebrate by you two jumping up and down in each others arms and ignoring me completely. This really is just like the old days.
'LIZABETH
Right, lets get these jewels back to England.
SCENE 13 - JAGO'S BEDCHAMBER
F/X: JAGO SNORING. A DOOR IS SLOWLY OPENED
'LIZABETH (OFF MIC)
Jago! Wake up!
JAGO (WAKING)
Eghhh!? What? Lizabeth!
'LIZABETH
This is my last night here in Drumlin Bay and I had to come and see you.
JAGO
No need to explain yourself 'Lizabeth. I knew this would happen sooner or later, that you'd be so overwhelmed by memories of your old hubby that you had to pay a visit to my bedchamber in the dead of night.
(BEAT)
Right, so do you want to sleep in the wet patch on this side or the even wetter patch on that side?
'LIZABETH
Jago, if we were the last two people on earth, I'd be trying to start a family with an interestingly shaped branch. The only thing we've got in common is our daughter... and that's what I'm here about. Tomorrow morning Tamsyn is leaving Drumlin Bay for good to start a new life. I want Tamsyn to have the proper send off I never had. Something colourful and vibrant. A chance for everyone to show how much Tamsyn meant to them and I'll personally see that anyone who isn't there is run through with a cutlass. And that includes you Jago.
JAGO
So my choice is death and shutting the tavern for a morning to cheer Tamsyn on? That's not a hard one to make... I wonder if they do coffins in XXXL?
'LIZABETH
I thought you'd be like so. So, you throw Tamsyn this send-off Jago... and you can have my share of the diamonds.
JAGO
What!?
'LIZABETH
The fact is I'm rich already, I don't need them. But what I do need is to see Tamsyn finally being treated with the respect she deserves.
JAGO
Look I told you before 'Lizabeth, I don't care what you say, the answer's yes... yes, yes, yes! This is going to be the biggest sent-off this town has ever thrown. I can just see it now, the lights, the colours, the cheering crowds... us having sex.
'LIZABETH
I can see all that too...apart from the us having sex bit.
JAGO
Oh well... worth a try.
SCENE 14 - MAIN STREET
F/X: CHEERING CROWD ATMOSP
BASCOMBE
Tamsyn, before you set off, the village council was looking for a way to commemorate your leaving.
TAMSYN
There was no need for that Squire Bascombe.
BASCOMBE
Nonsense Captain. So what we did was commission a poem about you from Cornwall's poet laureate.
TAMSYN
Oh lovely.
MAD GILBERT
Tamsyn you're a furzlegunklel
Franlegadget and a Trawnklwertz
And that's a Splangdoodle Rantickler.
Hootiously drangle with me.
Wanglewurst in excelsior,
Dangratts for a mangle of tumswalloger.
TAMSYN
Well that's...
MAD GILBERT
For who could roozlefrangle one such as Bamblegrass
Ningletropple your gugleweeds
And frangle your turgongles.
TAMSYN (LONG PAUSE)
Well that's...
MAD GILBERT
Manglescout her in your rastusemury.
BASCOMBE
And I think Mad Gilbert's summed up how we all feel.
MARRIOT
Ah Tamsyn... Major Falconer wanted you to have this enormous box. It's something to remember him by.
F/X: HEAVY BOX BEING HANDED OVER
TAMSYN (STRAINING UNDER THE WEIGHT)
How lovely.
MARRIOT
He said you shouldn't open it until you get to London.
TAMSYN (STRAINING)
And this thing that'll help me remember Major Falconer... it wouldn't be Major Falconer in a box would it?
FALCONER (OFF MIC, IN BOX)
Of course it wouldn't Tamsyn. How utterly preposterous!
TAMSYN
Well I'll just open it then won't I!
F/X: THE BOX IS OPENED
FALCONER (OFF MIC, IN BOX) Ah hello Tasmyn. I was just... checking on the inside of your box to see that it'd be suitable for your gift. Yes, it's very... boxy.
TAMSYN
Major Falconer I know it's hard but you, just have to accept that I'm leaving.
FALCONER
Alright... but If you have to go at least leave me a token of you... an ankle... or perhaps one of your shoulders.
TAMSYN
Thomas you have to be an adult about this!
FALCONER
Fine, I'll be an adult about this. You go... I won't stand in your way.
TAMSYN (BEAT)
You have to let go of my legs now Thomas.
FALCONER
Oh yes... sorry.
DEWEY
This is quite some amazing send-off Captain.
TAMSYN
It's more then I could have ever hoped for Dewey. I never realised people cared about me so much. I'm going to make something of myself now just like my Mother did.
DEWEY
I still say Captain that there is still a bit difference between you two. I just can't quite figure exactly what.
TAMSYN
Dewey you can't figure out exactly why (IT'S A BAD IDEA TO COMB YOUR HAIR WITH A PICK AXE)
JAGO (SOBBING) (COMING ON MIC)
This is the saddest day ever. How can a man not weep about the most precious thing in his life on a dark day like this?
TAMSYN
Is this going to be a long convoluted set-up about you missing the tavern instead of me Jago?
JAGO (LONG PAUSE)
No! I was going to say good luck Tamsyn, even though I'll miss you, your happiness is all that's ever mattered to me. And I've not been the best of fathers but deep down here in this crusty old man's heart there's a corner where you'll always be storing barrels.
TAMSYN
Thank you Father, that means so much to me.
JAGO
Twas nothing girl. If you need me I'll just be over there thinking about what you mean to me.
TAMSYN
I quite understand. (SIGH)
JAGO (GOING OFF MIC) (TO HIMSELF)
How does she know I was going on about the tavern.
F/X: CROSS FADE TO TAMSYN AND DEWEY
TAMSYN
While we're waiting for Mother I might as well load my jewels onto the coach.
DEWEY
Let me do that for you Captain...
TAMSYN
Watch out Dewey or you'll...
F/X: DIAMONDS HITTING THE GROUND AND SHATTERING
DEWEY
Oops! Sorry Captain.
BASCOMBE
Tamsyn these so called diamonds are nothing but visually spectacular fakes!
TAMSYN
I've got a bad feeling about this. We better get back to the tavern. (BEAT) (MAJOR FALCONER) I'm not leaving, (SERIOUSLY), you really have to let go of my legs now!
FALCONER
Sorry... I do apologise.
SCENE 15 - TAVERN
F/X: QUIET TAVERN ATMOS
JAGO
She's not here! But nothing seems to be out of place.
TAMSYN (CALLS)
Dewey is everything normal down in the cellar?
DEWEY (OFF MIC)
I can't tell yet Captain... but as soon as I climb out of this giant hole in the middle of the floor that I've fallen into... I'll have a look round.
BASCOMBE
Tamsyn look, there's a note on the bar addressed to you. (IT'S FROM YOUR MOTHER)
F/X: NOTE IS UNFOLDED
'LIZABETH (ECHO)
My dearest Tamsyn, I am sorry but I have deceived you. As you now know the jewels are fake. The story about me living as a man these past fifteen years was at least partially true yes, but I wasn't living in the East Indies working as a ship's captain, no...
(CONTINUES IN FRENCH PIERRE 'S VOICE)
PIERRE
...I was living in Paris as a French aristocrat. But when my home and fortune was seized following the revolution, I was left penniless so I cook (ED) up a scheme where I could return to Drumlin Bay to get my hands on the nest egg I'd buried in Jago's cellar. Real jewels worth a real Kings ransom. But I'd spent too long living as a man to ever pass myself off as a woman again, so I hired an actress to pass herself off as me. Sorry I had to deceive you. This next bit is for Jago and Jago alone to read...he'll understand why.
JAGO
Oh right... (READING) Dear..... Hus..band... the... reason... I wanted you to read... this... part... of... the note is because... you're such.... a slow... reader... and my acc... omplice is using... the precious minutes you're wasting reading this note so slowly.... to make her escape out of the village.
(BEAT)
How sweet, she remembered my reading difficulties.
BASCOMBE
Oh dear. Tamsyn, I expect this whole business has left you devastated.
TAMSYN
Oh not really, it just means that my mother is every bit an underhand disreputable low-life scumbag as Jago is. So I don't take after either of them! At least if I have to be stuck here in Drumlin Bay it's cos I want to be, not because I take after either of them two ratbags.
F/X: DEWEY EMERGES FROM THE CELLAR
DEWEY
Captain I've just worked out what's been bothering me about that woman claiming to be your mother.
TAMSYN
And what's that Dewey?
DEWEY
Well this could be just me, but I would have expected your mother to be white.
JAGO (BEAT)
Now Dewey's got quite a good point there.
BASCOMBE
Yes... now you mention it, a very good point indeed. I should have noticed that! Funny how certain things Just pass you by.
TAMSYN
Jago you swore to me that she definitely was 'Lizabeth!
JAGO
Only because she did look exactly the same as 'Lizabeth did when were married. Yes, slightly blurry and totally out of focus. When you're drinking as much as I am that's the way everyone looks.
TAMSYN
So what you're saying Father, is that no matter who it was that had ridden into town claiming to be 'Lizabeth, you'd have identified then as your ex-Wife.
JAGO
Yes that's pretty much it.
(BEAT)
Well... nobody's perfect.
© 2005 Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain. All Rights Reserved.