Scripts: Elephants to Catch Eels:
Series 2: 'Lizabeth's return read thru draft script Part 1

SCENE 1 - THE TAVERN

F/X: BUSY TAVERN ATMOSP

PIERRE  (HOLDING COURT)
So the mob was banging on the door.  Yes there I was with nothing but the outrageously foppish clothes I stood up in.

REGULARS (HANGING ON EVERY WORD)
Really! Is that right! So what did you do?

PIERRE
I did what any Frenchman would do, I grabbed two bagettes, strapped them to my feet and absailed down the buttress of my castle. You see Tamsyn, one day I was making a fortune as a hat maker to the Royal family. The next day, I was the most hated man in France.

TAMSYN
Well you should be proud of yourself, that takes some doing with all that competition.

PIERRE
I was left with no choice but to flee (THE PERSECUTION) and seek asylum here in England.

TAMSYN
Anyway that (PERSECUTION'S) all behind you now, you've got to think of your future. You're French. You're an Asylum seeker. You're in (ENGLAND - OH.)

F/X: CROSS FADE TO JAGO AT THE BAR

JAGO
Make my blood boil them Frenchies coming over here, stealing our woman, eating our croissants. Just look at them over there hanging off that toff's every word. It's not right them listening to outrageous tales like that.

LIZABETH
Why not Jago?

JAGO
Why do you think woman, because they're true! Goes against centuries of tradition of men drinking in pubs telling each other stories that are actually true. I've got a good mind to report him to the Cornish taverns tall tale tellers association general council.

'LIZABETH
Then why don't you?

JAGO
Because it doesn't exist does it ? Why I listen to tall tale Tony's nonsense I don't know.

F/X:CROSS FADE TO TAMSYN AND PIERRE

PIERRE
You cannot understand the remorse I feel, at losingmy parents.

TAMSYN
As it happens, I've lost my mother. She drowned.

PIERRE
Really! So you can understand my pain. And my dear Wife, how I miss her.

TAMSYN
Missing your Wife, that's a novel idea round here. See that bloke at the bar chatting up that bit of brass, that's my father. He's never shown any remorse at missing his Wife since she went straight to Davy Jones locker.

PIERRE
To be fair Tamsyn, he is dressed in black, that is the international colour of mourning.

TAMSYN
Yes and it's also the international colour of dirt. (LOUD AND POINTED) You know it really is amazing that with you as my father I turned out even half way decent. That must mean that my mother really was a saint.

BASCOMBE
I wouldn't exactly say she was that Tamsyn.

TAMSYN
Well I hardly think Squire Bascombe that you're in any position to pass judgement.

'LIZABETH
Sorry Tamsyn, but I agree with Bascombe. I wasn't that much of a Saint.

TAMSYN
You keep out of this you trollop!

JAGO
Tamsyn, I'll not have you speak to your mother like that!

TAMSYN
I'll speak to my mother in whatever way I see fit you oafish dullard!

'LIZABETH
Tamsyn! Jago's not an oafish dullard.

JAGO
You tell her 'Lizabeth!

'LIZABETH
No, he's a slovenly drunken layabout!

TAMSYN
Same difference.

'LIZABETH
That's quite enough Tamsyn!

JAGO
You heard her, quite enough!

TAMSYN
Right, then maybe I should just leave!                                                            

JAGO
Yes maybe you should!

TAMSYN
Fine, then I will!

JAGO
Fine!

'LIZABETH
Fine!

TAMSYN
Fine!

F/X: TAMSYN EXITS ANGRILY, LONG PAUSE - DOOR SLOWLY OPENS

TAMSYN
Sorry, I think I missed something there? Did she say that she's my mother?

JAGO
What? Oh yes, sorry I should have done the honours shouldn't I. Where are my manners? Tamsyn, this is 'Lizabeth.

TAMSYN
'Lizabeth! You know Mother, considering the fact you drowned at sea fifteen years ago...I always imagined you'd be much thinner...and more covered in seaweed. What have got to say to me?

'LIZABETH (AFTER BEAT)
Hello Princess.

SCENE 2   - LATER

F/X: DOOR OPENS

TAMSYN
So Mother, I'm listening. This better be good.

'LIZABETH
Look I'm sorry Tamsyn but I just had to get leave. You can understand that can't you?

TAMSYN
But you could have taken me with you?

'LIZABETH
I went out East girl, and the East Indies are no place for a little girl. It was sailing between the Spice Islands that I made my fortune. We were caught in a storm and as I watched my cargo of nutmeg, cloves, and cardamom pods being tossed about the hold the idea just popped into my head.

TAMSYN
An idea for what?

'LIZABETH
Spice Racks. Within days I had my first order, the first batch of fifty sold out in minutes and this Christmas we're expected to sell over a million of them . We've even got a royal warrant now...last week King George installed a spice rack in the Tower.

TAMSYN
Yes I read about that... traitors are now tortured and marinated all at the same time. Alright I can understand you going, but why on gods earth did you make me think you were dead?

'LIZABETH
Me!? I didn't want you to believe that! Who told you that?

JAGO (OFF MIC - ENTERS WHISTLING A HAPPY TUNE)
Oh hello Lizabeth, you still here? Why is everyone looking at me like that?

TAMSYN
How could you let me think my mother was dead Jago?

JAGO
Well when Lizabeth walked out on me I didn't want to be the laughing stock of the village. So I concocted this story that she'd drowned at sea. The toughest part was getting her crew to play along.

TAMSYN
I thought all her crew also drowned at sea ?

JAGO
Yes they did...eventually...well I had to make my story look convincing didn't I.

REGULARS
Boo!!!

JAGO
Stop that! What about her! If she's so rich why didn't she send for you once you'd grown up? That's what I want to know!

REGULARS
Yeah, why!

DEWEY
That's a good point Tamsyn's Mum, why didn't you send for her all these years?

' LIZABETH
Errmmm...

DEWEY
Let it out Lizabeth, I think there's something you have to tell your daughter.

REGULARS
Go Dewey! Go Dewey!

'LIZABETH
It's because I've lived the past fifteen years as a man.

TAMSYN
What!

REGULARS
(LOTS OF GASPS)

'LIZABETH
I had no choice. The East Indies are a mans world. They'd never have accepted a woman skippering a boat.   So I did what I had to do, I chopped my hair off, deepened my voice and began holding endless dull conversations with the other captain's about the make, model, and top speed of my boat. I only told everyone the truth days before I left for here.

DEWEY
They must've been shocked?

'LIZABETH
No my crew actually took it pretty well...but my Wife and two kids were a bit put out.

DEWEY
So Tamsyn, you've just found out that the mother you thought was dead has in fact been living as a man these past fifteen years... but would you be surprised to hear that the man you know as Jago is actually a cross dressing wrestler called Mabel.

JAGO
No I'm not!

DEWEY (WHISPERED)
Go with it Jago, I've got a feeling it'll make great entertainment.

REGULARS  (JERRY SPRINGER CHANTING)
Go Dewey! Go Dewey!

DEWEY
Lets open it up to the audience. Lizabeth abandoned her child but now she's returned a wealthy woman. Did she do the right thing?

F/X : ATMOSPHERE GETTING FRENZIED AND NASTY WHOOPING, HOLLERING, CHEERING

WOMAN
You go girlfriend! You go!

GRUFF MALE
Well I think she's a 'hoe!

'LIZABETH
No man calls me that.

DEWEY
That's right Lizabeth, you let it out, here chuck this chair at someone for no reason            

F/X: CHAIRS ARE UPTURNED,   A GENERAL MELEE STARTS, LOTS OF SHOUTING, PUSHING (UNDER)

REGULARS
Go Dewey! Go Dewey!

JAGO (SCARED)
Tamsyn, why are you looking at me like that! Please...put that chair down...boys, stop her...aghhhh!!!

DEWEY
So as two burly bouncers attempt to restrain Tamsyn as she attempts to insert that chair leg into Jago, here's Dewey's final thought. Keeping secrets from your loved ones destroys the trust that families need to build if they're going to survive. So what's the answer? Well drink milk and jump and down a lot, and that way eventually you can make your own cheese...

Continue to Part 2


© 2005 Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain. All Rights Reserved.