Scripts: Dead Ringers - Bruce Forsyth Farm

ARTISTS:

JON CRAVEN: JON CULSHAW
BRUCE FORSYTH: KEVIN CONNELLY, MARK PERRY and PHIL CORNWELL
KATE: JAN RAVENS

COUNTRYFILE CREDITS

CRAVEN
Hello and welcome to Countryfile with me John Craven... cheap telly for people like me and Peter Purves to kid ourselves we're not children's presenters anymore.

(CHANGE TO: Think of me as a sort of decaffeinated Nick Ross)

Now in an effort to bring in extra revenue more and more farms these days have begun to diversify. Today we're going to be visiting an unusual breeding farm in Cumbria.

CUT TO - EXT FARM

CRAVEN WITH COUNTRY WOMAN (SHE SHOULD BE QUITE A HORSEY TYPE)

CRAVEN (V/O)
Kate Potter's family bred horses on this farm for over two hundred years, but now Kate has left the horses behind.

KATE
When we realised watching television that variety was dead and good old Saturday night entertainment was on the wane, we saw a gap in the market...

CRAVEN
I see.

KATE
So now we just breed Bruce Forsyths now.

THEY REACH A PADDOCK WHERE WE SEE THE FOUR CAST MEMBERS ALL DOING THEIR BRUCE FORSTYHS.THEY APPROACH CRAVEN AND KATE ALL FORSYTHS

Nice to see you, to see you nice.            

CRAVEN
They seem very friendly? Is it okay to pat one?

KATE
Yes, they've quite tame. Here feed one.

SHOTS OF KATE TRAINING THE FORSYTH'S WITH CRAVEN'S VOICE OVER

CRAVEN (V/O)
Luckily for Kate, the demand for Bruce Forsyths to host cheesy Saturday night shows has never been greater then in 2005, and Kate's rigorous training methods that ensure her Forsyths are amongst the best trained in Britain has meant business is booming.

KATE LEADING THE BRUCE FORSYTHS ROUND LIKE YOUNG HORSES ON ROPES

KATE TEACHING THE FORSYTH'S THEIR DISTINCTIVE POSE.

KATE SHOWING THE ASSORTED FORSYTH'S OVERSIZED PLAYING CARDS FROM 'PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT' - THE FORSYTH'S ARE RESPONDING BY SAYING 'HIGHER, LOWER'      

CUT TO - EXT FIELD

CRAVEN STANDING NEXT TO KATE, SHE HAS A SHOT-GUN IN HER HAND AND SHE IS WATCHING OUT FOR SOMETHING.

CRAVEN (V/O)
Kate leaves nothing to chance to protect her valuable herd, and that extends to making sure there's no uninvited visitors to the farm.

CRAVEN
So what are you looking out for Kate, foxes?

KATE
No, Les Dennis's. Another local farmer started breeding them, when he couldn't shift his stock, the idiot just released them into the wild.   If one of these feral Les Dennis's was to breed with one of my Forsyth's, then it'd be worthless. I couldn't even shift it to UK Play let alone B.B.C 1. Look, there's one...

KATE POINTS - OFF IN THE DISTANCE A LES DENNIS RUNS ACROSS THE FIELD - KATE LIFTS HER GUN AND SHOOTS, THE LES DENNIS FALLS.

CUT TO - THE PADDOCK.

KATE AND JOHN ARE WATCHING THE FORSYTHS.

KATE
This is a vital part of the training...familiarising the Bruce Forsyths with ballroom dancers.

WE WIDEN TO REVEAL TWO BALLROOM DANCERS IN FULL SPANGY OUTFITS DOING THEIR BEST TO DANCE IN THE MUDDY FIELD, WATCHED BY THE FORSYTH'S - WHO ARE VARIOUSLY SAYING 'GOOD GAME', 'GIVE US A TWIRL'  'HAVEN'T THEY DONE WELL'.

CRAVEN
Oh look, and you've even got a cardboard cut-outof Tess Daly?

CUT TO - A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT OF TESS DALY IN THE PADDOCK.

KATE
No, that is the real Tess Daly.                                    

CUT TO -   CRAVEN AND KATE WALKING TOWARD AN ENCLOSURE

CRAVEN (V/O)
The success of the Bruce Forsyth breeding programme has encouraged Kate to try her hand with reviving an even rarer breed.

WE SEE TWO TOMMY COOPERS INSIDE THE PEN.

KATE
We were very excited to get a rare breeding pair of Tommy Coopers. And we were hoping to trap and breed Benny Hills. But they're very difficult to catch.

CUT TO - SPEEDED UP FOOTAGE OF KATE CHASING THE PAIR IN BENNY HILL STYLE.