Scripts: Dead Ringers - Schama and Starkey battle

ARTISTS:

SHAMA: JON CULSHAW
STARKEY: KEVIN CONNELLY
TONY ROBINSON: PHIL CORNWELL

SCENE (A) -   LOCATION: EXT. FIELD WITH HILL DAY 

SCHAMA WALKING ACROSS FIELD

SCHAMA
Hello I'm Dr Simon Schama, the highest paid Thunderbird puppet there's ever been. In past series I've looked at some truly memorable battles but today I'm here at Bosworth Field to talk about the most memorable of them all, no not the one between Richard the Third and Henry Tudor, but the one between the king of all history programmes - that's me - and the vile pretender to my throne. Dr David Starkey.  

SCHAMA WALKING ACROSS FIELD HE GESTURES UP THE HILL   CUT TO - STARKEY IS AT THE TOP OF THE HILL.    

STARKEY
It was here on a warm summer's morning that the tyrant Schama was planned to film himself for one of his countless history documentaries.

CUT TO SCHAMA WALKING

SCHAMA
Totally unaware that Starkey had planned to walk across that very same bit of field for one of his countless history documentaries.

SCHAMA AND STARKEY STOP WITHIN INCHES OF ONE ANOTHER. NEITHER WILL GIVE GROUND.

SCHAMA
And with battle lines drawn the two pre-eminent historians of their age withdrew...to rouse their supporters for bloody battle.

SCENE (B) -   LOCATION: EXT. FIELD. DAY  

CUT TO   - SCHAMA AND STARKEY WALKING ALONG THE LINE OF THEIR CREWS PREPARING FOR BATTLE -STARKEY'S CREW THROUGHOUT ARE SHABBIER AND RATHER GRIM - SCHAMA'S ARE CLAD IN BRIGHT FLEECES AND LOOK A BIT SMUG.

BOOM MEN POINT OUT OF THE LINE LIKE LANCE-MEN. OTHERS STRAPPING ON CLAPPERBOARDS AS SHIELDS, MAKE-UP WOMEN SHARPEN EYEBROW PENCILS.

STARKEY
Schama had at his disposal the most advanced and feared outside broadcast crew known to television.

SCHAMA
While Starkey's forces were a rag tag mob of short term contract mercenaries who'd seen carnage and atrocity aplenty on Celebrity Big Brother.

THE CREWS RACE TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER SCREAMING

SCENE (C) -   LOCATION: EXT. FIELD. DAY  

CUT TO - THE BATTLE- DURING THE BATTLE STARKEY AND SCHAMA WALK AROUND AND THROUGH THE FIGHTING - COMMENTING ON IT.

THE TWO BOOM OPS USE THEIR BOOMS AS LANCES TO FIGHT.

STARKEY
Soon battle was joined by any number of cameramen,   grips, best-boys and sound recordists.

MAKE UP LADY BRANDISHES HER PENCIL AT CAMERAMAN. HE KNOCKS HER OUT WITH THE CAMERA.   -TWO CAMERAS ON SEPARATE TRACKS COME AT EACH OTHER LIKE TWO HORSEMEN IN BATTLE. ONE OPERATOR DOES AN EXAGGERATED FALL BACK-WARDS TO SIGNIFY THAT HE LOST.        

SCHAMA
Inevitably as the fighting intensified...

CUT TO - STARKEY WALKING

STARKEY
...the two protagonists paths collided.

THEY LITERALLY BUMP INTO ONE ANOTHER.

STARKEY
What followed was fierce hand to hand combat...

SCHAMA AND STARKEY DOING SOME VERY GIRLY FIGHTING, SLAPS, PUSHING, SHOVING...

SCENE (D) -   LOCATION: EXT. FIELD. DAY  

CUT TO - SCHAMA RUNS BACK TO JOIN HIS CREW CLAMBERING INTO A B.B.C CATERING VAN.

STARKEY
Until Schama fled, to what he hoped would be the safety of the B.B.C catering van. They did for a time successfully defend their position.

SCHAMA'S CREW ON TOP OF THE VAN POURING PANS OF BOILING CUSTARD OVER THE SIDE.

STARKEY
Until the corporation's custard ran out.

CUT TO - EMPTY DISCARDED PANS

SCHAMA
But then disaster struck -

DISTANT DRUMS ALL TURN AND LOOK CONCERNED.

SCHAMA
Determined to claim the field for one of their dull and ponderous excavations.

CUT TO - TIME TEAM PEOPLE WITH TROWELS RAISED. THEY RUN FORWARD SCREAMING A BATTLE CRY.

SCHAMA
Tony Robinson and his time team attacked.

SCREAMS ETC ...SCHAMA AND STARKEY RUN OFF...